I Blocked a Toxic Childhood Friend and It Taught Me an Important Lesson About Managing People There's nothing more soul-sucking than a friend or coworker who only takes but never gives. We call them "Energy Vampires," and this is how you should deal with them.

I recently took ten days off to explore Italy and celebrate a close friend's wedding. I enjoyed anchovy pasta in Umbria without any stomach issues, made pesto in Manarola, stayed in a castle-turned-B&B in Levanto, and indulged in pizza, cigarettes, and gelato in Rome. In summation, it was perfect.

But this trip got me noodling on a series of experiences that felt far from perfect. They forced me to face one of the most dangerous encounters one can have: the life-sucking power of an Energy Vampire.

What is an Energy Vampire? And why are they so dangerous?

Let's dive into some folklore. Between the 1930s and 1960s, occultists and Satanists like Dion Fortune and Anton LaVey wrote extensively about what they called "psychic vampires," people who are emotionally and spiritually weak themselves and thus feed off the life force of other people to survive. You don't have to be a literal Satanist to recognize the concept and quickly identify a few people in your life who fit the description.

Related: 20 Things Emotionally Intelligent People Don't Say

An energy vampire is someone who drains others' emotional energy. When you're in conversation with them - whether it is in person, on the phone, in private, in public — you can literally feel your vitals dropping. It's like they've hooked their invisible teeth into your energy reserve and started to suck out as much as they can. The conversation feels unfocused, exhausting, and sometimes even sad or depressive. Often, the Energy Vampire wears their victim mindset like a badge, so every anecdote or story they share positions them as the blameless loser in all situations, and they show zero accountability for their life outcomes. They act as though the world is dragging them through the mud by the heels and they perpetually deny their own agency and choice.

Interacting with an Energy Vampire feels like being under attack. You can sense their need for your energy, your mindset, your luck, or your approval — and with every word exchanged, you're fighting to preserve what's rightfully yours.

I can describe this precisely because I've dealt with an Energy Vampire and distanced myself from a childhood friend who fits the description. Since then, I've been happier, lighter and more productive.

When I reflect on why it took me so long to reclaim my precious energy reserves and remove this person from my life entirely, only one word comes to mind: empathy.

It's so hard for people — especially women — to protect themselves against and disconnect from Energy Vampires because we know, in our hearts, that these people are suckling and guzzling our light because they are broken themselves. Here's what it can look like:

• Maybe they developed a paralyzing fear of abandonment when they were young, so it's second nature for them to desperately seek your conversation, approval, and validation, even when you try to signal your lack of availability.
• Maybe they grew up with a narcissistic parent who could not see or hear them, so in adulthood, they're desperate to be seen and heard, constantly replaying that early childhood dynamic and hoping to drive different results.
• Maybe they have messed up attachment types or traumas or a literal personality disorder, and it prohibits them from understanding and engaging with the normal give-and-take of a healthy conversation or relationship.

For a long while, I saw Energy Vampires as wounded spirits who deserved support and embrace. My empathy for them outweighed the compassion I had for myself. I would stay up late talking to said childhood friend about her boy drama for hours — realizing by 1 a.m. — that she never pivoted the conversation to me and my life. This would happen 2-3 times a week. This same friend would complain about everything going on in her life. However, she shuddered at the idea of moving from the venting part of a conversation to the problem-solving part of a conversation. She was miserable, and she…loved it?

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It took an outsider's view of our relationship to push me over the line and make the call to finally detach. One night, my ex-boyfriend overheard us in conversation. She was on speakerphone as I was cooking. I was in the throes of prepping for my book launch and tried to talk through my anxiety and excitement with her, but every time, she'd provide a brief, curt response and turn the conversation back to her endless complaining.

After I hung up the phone, he wandered into the kitchen and said something to the effect of: "You know, every time you talk to Person X, it's all about her, and it's always whining or some bad news, and I feel like she doesn't hold space for you."

After a few more calls and an explicit fight, it was over with her. And I've never felt more free.

So, I ask you whether your empathy is preventing you from severing ties with the Energy Vampire in your life. Just because someone else is broken does not mean it's on you to hand over your glue. Just because someone needs constant validation doesn't mean you should become their always-on, go-to source. Just because someone wants your light doesn't mean you have an endless supply. You don't.

The fewer boundaries you have, the fewer of these things you will have for yourself:

• Energy
• Positivity
• Peace
• Agency
• Kindness

We do not have an endless supply of any of the above. And pretending we do is what leads to burnout, distress and anxiety. So, if while reading this, that person came to mind, I beg of you to assess if your empathy is what's causing you to keep them around and whether they really deserve it. For many people, it's extremely difficult and guilt-including to turn away someone in need. But it's worth asking: why do they need it from me? And why must I be the one to give it?

Related: 4 Types of Toxic People That May Be Undermining Your Path to Success

In all likelihood, you will never fill an Energy Vampire's cup with the approval, adoration, support and life force they've been missing their entire lives. So why become their supply?

Dealing with Energy Vampires in our personal lives is straightforward, but what about at work, where we can't easily detach?

How do Energy Vampires move differently in a professional setting compared to personal relationships?

Dealing with Energy Vampires in our personal lives is straightforward, but what about at work, where we can't easily detach? If the below resonates with you, you're likely dealing with an Energy Vampire at work:

1. They are the source of ongoing office drama.
2. They spend most of their private conversations with you venting, gossiping, or complaining about real or imagined problems without giving thought to actionable solutions.
3. They reek of negativity and struggle to celebrate wins, whether their own or the team's.
4. They bring personal woe-is-me stories to the office and tell the same story or stories incessantly throughout the day or week.
5. They tell longwinded tales with no seeming endpoint and make it difficult to remove yourself or excuse yourself.
6. They resist change or evolution in the workplace and are quick to grow anxious or needy when either is imminent.
7. They think they're always right and are hyper-judgmental of others.
8. They seem incapable of reciprocal interactions, such as asking you about your day or your work, and instead center conversations exclusively on themselves.

The strongest indicator that you may have an Energy Vampire manager, coworker or employee is how you feel after interacting with them. If your interactions with them leave you perpetually exhausted, frustrated, less motivated and more irritable, there's a strong chance you've got an Energy Vampire on the payroll.

How to handle Energy Vampire co-workers when you are on the same level and do not manage them directly:

It's entirely acceptable to say you have a meeting, an upcoming deadline, or just too busy to engage at the moment. Even if it's not true, it can help you avoid an unnecessary, longwinded conversation. "

It's easier to stop the conversation before it even starts, so have these phrases on-hand when you run into each other in the kitchen, or by the bathroom, and blurt them out as soon as the Energy Vampire's lips peel open to speak.

Related: Many of Your Employees Are Probably Healing From Past Workplace Trauma. Here's How You Can Help Empower Them.

If this person is interfering with your work, creating a negative attitude in your team or preventing productivity, I believe it's okay to sit down with your manager and explain — in detail and with examples — what's going on and how it is affecting your ability to drive outcomes for the company. This element is key. Here's how that conversation may go and what your ask might look like:

"Whenever I have to work collaboratively with Person X, it's very draining. They spend a lot of our 1:1s or group meetings complaining about Work Problem A or Personal Problem C without any mention of potential solutions. Would it be possible to keep this in mind the next time you form a cross-functional group within the company? I'd much prefer to work with Person Z or Person B."

"I find it really difficult to concentrate and stay on-task when I have to work with Person X. They are always very negative and are not solutions-oriented, and because I care about my goals and the company, I want to stay in a solutions-oriented mindset. Do you have recommendations for how I, and we, can handle this?"

"Person X, in my opinion, is overly concerned with drama in the workplace and centers a lot of our interactions on venting and gossiping. I find it distracting, and it makes Company W a harder place to work at. Do you think this is an HR issue we should tackle together or something you can escalate to Person X's manager?"

The way to make these conversations productive, rather than seeming like you're just complaining, is to tie the Vampire's behavior back to your work product and the company's ability to succeed. This takes the Vampire's behavior from a personal nuisance to a workplace hindrance — and that's what your manager will actually care about and be able to act on.

How to deal with an Energy Vampire employee that you hired and now manage:

It all ties back to productivity and outcomes, as explained above. If you're actively managing an Energy Vampire, it's fair to schedule 1:1 time to discuss the issue or bring it up at their next performance review.

Explain how they are hurting the company or the team's performance, and set clear goals and expectations for how their behavior should evolve and change moving forward. At that meeting, schedule an immediate next check-in date so they know they're being monitored and there is a deadline for improvement.

It's important to report these issues to the CEO or HR, with the company's best interest in mind. Some questions to ask yourself:

• Will this person's energy cause other top performers to leave the organization, or has this already happened?
• If they are client-facing, will this person risk maintaining certain clients?
• Does this person reduce productivity because their negativity or tendency to gossip infiltrates and poisons the energy of the larger team?

The trick to managing Energy Vampire employees and tackling them legally and with care (quick note: I am not a lawyer and this is not formal legal advice!) is working with HR or your CEO to understand, given your state's laws, what is a fireable offense, and how you can effectively and provably tie their attitude to poor performance.

How to deal with an Energy Vampire manager:

This is one of the tougher dynamics to navigate, as the power dynamic is not in your favor. That said, your company's executive team and HR departments exist to optimize organizational outcomes, so if you're able to log and meticulously track the interactions with your boss that are disruptive, distracting or toxic, it is worth escalating those and making your higher-ups aware of what's going on.

Related: 6 Signs You Have a Bad Boss

If you are dealing with a manager who is an Energy Vampire, it may help to interrupt them with:

"Sorry to interrupt, and I hear you, but I'm concerned about executing XYZ on time, and we only have until ABC o'clock to chat. I have another commitment after this. Can we refocus on XYZ so we can make sure I'm handling things correctly?"

In the companies I've started and run, it's commonplace to have mutual feedback opportunities. This means the flow of feedback goes both ways. If you feel safe and comfortable during your next review or 1:1, explain to your manager how their proclivity for complaining, venting, aimless story-telling or constant judgment and criticism restricts your ability to hit your KPIs or your goals.

Then, tell them you're worried about it because your poor performance reflects badly on not just you but your management pod and your wider team. Be sure to take notes during this interaction. If the manager does not respond well, you will want contemporaneous details so you can share them with your executive team or HR.

Energy Vampires suck. Literally and figuratively. But it's critical to remember that in personal relationships, and work relationships, we have the power to construct boundaries that protect and defend us against their vortex of negativity.

Ali Kriegsman is an exclusive BIZ Experiences+ contributor. Follow her on Instagram or her Substack for more content.