20 Things Emotionally Intelligent People Don't Say People with emotional intelligence tend to avoid certain phrases that can negatively impact their relationships.
By John Rampton Edited by Mark Klekas
Opinions expressed by BIZ Experiences contributors are their own.
While part of being emotionally intelligent involves knowing what to say at the right time, it also involves knowing when it's best to hold your tongue. Just as silence speaks volumes, what you don't say can convey respect, understanding, and restraint. Sometimes, withholding words can prevent misunderstandings, preserve relationships, and demonstrate empathy of others' feelings.
Everyone stumbles from time to time. However, emotionally intelligent people tend to avoid certain phrases that can negatively impact their relationships. Here are 20 phrases emotionally intelligent people avoid saying — and things to say instead that will help you foster good relationships.
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1. Calm down
When someone's emotional outburst is triggered by this phrase, it can prove counterproductive. As a result, the situation can escalate, as the person's feelings are implied to be invalid or irrational.
A better approach? You can validate their emotions by saying, "I understand you are upset." You can acknowledge their feelings without judgment or dismissal, creating a conducive environment for constructive communication and problem-solving.
2. It's not fair
This phrase often comes across as childish because it evokes feelings of helplessness. By reframing the complaint from "it's not fair" to something like, "I believe this situation could be handled differently," emotionally intelligent people shift the focus from victimhood to constructive problem-solving.
This approach demonstrates assertiveness and a proactive attitude toward finding solutions. It also encourages open dialogue and collaboration rather than dwelling on perceived injustices.
3. At least...
"At least you still have a job," she said with a faint smile.
While these types of phrases are often intended to offer reassurance, they can trivialize a person's struggles. The phrase "at least" often minimizes someone's feelings or experiences, which can be dismissive and invalidating.
Instead of attempting to find a silver lining or downplay the severity of the situation, offer empathy and support. Acknowledge the validity of the person's emotions and experiences. This can foster stronger connections and promote a more supportive environment.
4. I told you so
This phrase is often used condescendingly to emphasize one's own correctness or foresight after someone else experiences failure or difficulty. It's never a good idea to rub it in someone's face after a mistake because hindsight is 20/20. In addition to affecting trust, it can also breed resentment and damage relationships.
As an alternative, recognize that everyone makes mistakes. Then, offer your encouragement and guidance.
5. That's not a big deal
What seems like a trivial issue for you might be a significant one for someone else. By dismissing their concerns with "it's not a big deal," you invalidate their feelings and can cause the relationship to be damaged.
Rather than judging, listen actively and offer your support.
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6. Why can't you be more like [someone else]?
Every person has their own strengths and weaknesses. Emotionally intelligent people never make such comparisons since they can seriously damage someone's self-esteem.
In place of that, they promote self-acceptance and personal growth. The aim is to help them recognize and develop their own strengths rather than mold them into someone else.
7. You're overreacting
Similar to "calm down," this phrase implies excessive or unreasonable emotions on the part of the responder. This can be dismissive and hurtful.
Rather, try to understand and support their perspective. Encourage others to express their feelings and validate their emotions.
8. Everything happens for a reason
Even though this sentiment can be comforting in some situations, it can seem insensitive and dismissive when someone is going through a difficult time. Moreover, it may imply that they are somehow responsible for their situation.
Instead of offering platitudes, show understanding and compassion.
9. Don't worry, I'll fix it
Even when the intention is good, taking over someone else's problems can rob them of their agency and prevent them from developing coping skills.
You should instead offer support and guidance and empower them to resolve the issue on their own.
10. Are you okay? (When you clearly know they're not)
It can seem patronizing and insincere to ask this rhetorical question. An emotionally intelligent individual will offer genuine support and specific gestures of assistance.
"Could I make you a cup of tea?" or "Can I sit with you while you discuss this?" are much more impactful responses. Offering specific gestures of assistance demonstrates genuine care and empathy, rather than just going through the motions of asking a rhetorical question.
11. It's not my responsibility
An emotionally intelligent person understands the importance of collaboration, empathy, and a sense of responsibility within a team. An exceptional employee will not ignore a problem or something they could help with just because it is not in their job description.
You can always count on them to share their time and knowledge with you. They often aim to contribute to the organization and view their role as a crucial part of it.
12. You should...
"You should break up with them."
"You should quit your job."
"You should lose weight."
"You should stop being so sensitive."
It can feel intrusive and judgmental to receive unsolicited advice, even if it's well-intentioned. The assumption is that you know what's best for another person, which isn't always the case.
Offer them support and guidance — if they request it. Butssss you also should respect their autonomy.
13. It's all your fault
A quick way to end a relationship? Blame and shame each other. A person who has emotional intelligence understands that they must take responsibility for their own actions and issues.
As opposed to pointing fingers, they focus on solutions, saying things like, "Let's see how we can resolve this together" or "How can we avoid this situation in the future?"
14. I don't have time for this
Everyone has felt overworked and stretched thin at some point. However, saying, "I don't have time for this," can appear dismissive and disrespectful to someone who values the task or topic at hand.
It might be better to say something like, "I'm very busy right now, but let's schedule a time so we can discuss this later." This shows respect for the other person's needs while acknowledging your own. Consider reframing your thoughts next time you want to say, "I don't have time for this," and see how you feel.
15. I can't
A growth mindset involves believing that abilities and intelligence can be developed through dedication and effort, while a fixed mindset entails believing that abilities are innate and unchangeable. Emotionally intelligent individuals tend to embody a growth mindset, understanding that challenges and setbacks are opportunities for growth and learning.
By reframing "I can't" into statements like "I'll learn how to" or "I'll find a way to," they demonstrate a belief in their own potential and resilience. This positive and solution-focused approach strengthens their own ability to adapt and overcome obstacles.
16. Can't you just get over it?
This statement falsely assumes emotions are fleeting inconveniences that can be easily discarded. Emotions, however complex and lingering, require time and understanding to understand.
As a replacement, show support and patience, acknowledging that healing requires time.
17. You always... or You never...
Most of these generalizations are inaccurate, and they often put people on the defensive.
Rather, focus on specific behaviors that need to be changed. Instead of saying, "You always leave your dirty dishes in the sink," try "I'd appreciate it if you could help out with the dishes after dinner." Sentences that start with "I" are especially powerful since they keep responsibility for what is expressed with the person doing the speaking.
18. I'm not sorry
Saying sorry and thank you should be the basics. By showing remorse and expressing gratitude, you demonstrate your care for the other people in your life.
As long as you are mindful of what you say and how you say it, you can build stronger relationships and create an environment that is more positive and productive.
Related: Why You Should Stop Saying Sorry, According to Science
19. I'm always right
Despite its appeal to the ego, this statement ultimately damages relationships. It is impossible to be right all the time, and holding on to this illusion hinders learning and growth.
As an alternative, embrace humility and accept differences of opinion as opportunities for growth.
20. Whatever
This one really gets my blood boiling. The reason? A dismissive response like this shuts down communication and demonstrates a lack of interest.
Whenever you are genuinely confused, ask clarifying questions to show you are paying attention.
Communicate what you truly mean
Keep in mind that communication is a two-way street, and it takes time and practice to excel at it. Similarly, your emotional intelligence can be developed over time. Start by avoiding these phrases and implementing these tips in your personal and professional relationships.
Express your feelings, respect others' opinions, actively listen, and don't be afraid to compromise. With patience and understanding, you can enhance your communication skills, and you can become the emotionally intelligent person you want to be.
