I Used to Be Consumed by Self-Doubt — Here's How I 'Tricked' Myself Into Trusting My Gut Again Many of us struggle with self-trust and going after the things we want in life, but it doesn't have to be that way.
By Ali Kriegsman Edited by Mark Klekas
Key Takeaways
- How to trust yourself and get rid of career anxiety
- Tips for breaking decision paralysis with examples
Opinions expressed by BIZ Experiences contributors are their own.
I used to question every personal and career decision I made. It took years of therapy, journaling, medication and self-compassion to learn how to believe in myself and trust my intuition. I've held multiple executive roles, and being able to trust myself was a skill I needed to succeed.
Many of us, especially women, are used to denying ourselves and our needs, but it's possible to rebuild ourselves. If you lack self-trust, I have some questions you need to ask yourself and a solution to help you approach the things you want in life with more confidence.
Related: Why Successful People Are Still Unhappy
Follow these two steps
If you're in the haze of self-doubt or lack conviction in your beliefs, you need to pause and ask yourself what you want. Whether it is what's for breakfast, your weekend plans, who you want to be with, where you want to live or where you want to work for in ten years. That's step one.
Next, it's about allowing yourself to want that and telling yourself it's okay to want it. Do you want a manager who initiates repair after screwing up a project? You're allowed to want that.
Do you want a partner who listens to your needs, validates them, and makes proactive changes in their life to support you? You're allowed to want that.
Do you want your chronically late friend to show up on time to your plans? You're allowed to want that.
Do you want to surround yourself with people who can take accountability? Makes sense to me.
Self-trust starts with knowing what you want and then validating it. Only then can you measure your decisions and give yourself more trust in what you want. Think of trust as a tool rather than a destination.
If you want to build a house, you trust you can use poured concrete and rebar to start because they've been used on zillions of homes before. The house in the outcome and destination, but the trust is the tool that gets you there. Other examples:
If you want your closest friends to be able to take accountability for their actions, then you trust moving on from that constantly toxic friend will only support your goals. If you don't, you're actively denying yourself what you want.
If you want your perpetually late friend to show up on time for drinks, you trust telling her, "Hey, it's really important to me that you get better about your time management. It blows when I have to wait for you every time for thirty minutes," will support your goals. Once you know the outcome you want, you can trust the steps you're taking to get there.
Related: How to Give Yourself a Raise Without Switching Jobs or Asking Your Boss for One
Where people get stuck
I think many people struggle to trust themselves professionally. They feel underqualified for a job, wondering whether they should stay at their current company and vie for a promotion — or leave to start a startup or change careers altogether. In fact, nearly two in five American professionals would consider a career pivot to a different role in a different industry. Clearly, there's a lot of "what-if-ing" out there.
They don't have a firm grip on what should happen next, and their decision-making framework feels weak. It looks like this:
- Why am I not a vice president (VP)?
- Should I leave sales?
- Should I get an MBA?
At the heart of all this doubt is the same ailment I had — not knowing and not validating what you want. Only 1 in 10 Americans says they're working their dream job, and 70% say they're not on track to get there. That means millions of people who knowingly gave up on their dream careers or who more recently realized what their dream career even was.
I have some unconventional feedback for people with career anxiety: Are there easy steps you trust you can take to be in a role or career you love?
For example, if you pine about joining or building a startup but don't know what a founder's lifestyle is like, it might make sense to chat with a few business owners about their experience. Let's say you know what you want — the flexibility to run your own company — but you don't want the sense of financial insecurity and volatility that comes with BIZ Experiencesship. Okay then! There's your breakthrough: You don't actually want to do a startup — not in all that it entails, at least.
Or let's say you want to get an MBA. Why? To broaden your network and join a consulting firm. Might it make sense to talk to other folks who sought an MBA for the same reason, and see if they succeeded? If they did, you like school and can afford it, it might make sense for you.
If you think you want to be the VP of your department, it might make sense to learn more about what VPs do at your company and what their weekly breakdown looks like across deep work, delegation, pitching, and management. If you love deep work but hate delegation, maybe you're more powerful as an independent contributor. And that's okay.
Related: This Brilliant 'Cohort' Trick Can Help You Come Up With a Business Idea Worth Million
I believe in breaking decision paralysis or self-trust issues down into a series of small, sequential questions about what I want and don't want. You should question why you want those things and then ask if you can withstand taking the small steps to get the things you want. You may do this practice and realize you're in your dream job, after all, or have a list of small steps you can take to inch closer.
