Sometimes Honesty Isn't Always the Best Policy. Here Are 9 Scenarios Where It Actually May Be Better to Lie. There are instances where a well-timed lie can foster empathy and enhance social interactions, enriching the fabric of human connection.
By John Rampton Edited by Mark Klekas
Opinions expressed by BIZ Experiences contributors are their own.
Most people think of lies as negative acts, usually associated with deception, manipulation and hurting people. However, according to developmental psychologist Gail Heyman, learning to lie is an essential part of human development. Sometimes a white lie is preferable to the truth, like when you're trying to avoid offending someone or distressing them.
Sure. Honesty remains an integral part of ethical conduct. There is even evidence that lying less is linked to better health. Nevertheless, learning to recognize when white lies are justified can help you interact with others more compassionately and considerately.
That said, here are nine scenarios where it actually may be better to hold off on telling the truth.
1. Benefitting someone else's well-being
Lying is detrimental in many ways, but it is particularly harmful when it promotes your own interests over others. This form of dishonesty erodes trust and damages relationships. Contrary to self-serving lies, prosocial lies are those told to benefit others or maintain positive social interactions. While they involve deception, their underlying motive is often to spare someone's feelings, protect them from harm or preserve harmony within relationships.
These types of lies avoid causing unnecessary distress, can sometimes lead to trust and contribute to a more empathetic and compassionate society. The act of prosocial lying is a common feature of everyday communication. An example would be telling a colleague that their presentation was excellent when it was not or telling your partner they look great in an outfit even if you don't particularly like it. Even agreeing with a child about Santa Clause or the Tooth Fairy is a lie, but it's the kind told with the right intentions.
If a lie is told to boost your partner's self-esteem or to foster a sense of childhood wonder and innocence, it won't cause significant harm or undermine anyone's trust. Always keep in mind that lies are most effective when they are not selfish.
2. Keeping the vulnerable safe
One of the strongest arguments for lying is to protect vulnerable individuals, particularly children. For example, when parents struggle to break the news to their child that he or she has a terminal illness. Honesty gets praised, but the truth can cause irreparable harm in some cases. Rather than inflicting unnecessary pain on their children, parents may offer comforting lies of hope and recovery.
The imperative to prioritize safety and well-being can sometimes justify the use of deception in extreme circumstances like these.
Related: How Simply 'Feeling Safe' Can Make Us Healthier And More Productive
3. Maintaining social harmony
As well as protecting individuals, lying can also maintain social harmony and prevent conflict.
Imagine you hear from a close friend about an embarrassing mistake or significant flaw. A leak could ruin their reputation or make them ostracized. A few white lies can preserve friendships during such times.
Lying by omission is a common conflict-avoidant lie. This involves deliberately withholding relevant information that could potentially lead to conflict or discomfort. By avoiding disclosure, individuals may hope to sidestep difficult conversations or disagreements.
Another common example is being hurt and saying everything is fine. You might say, "I'm not angry that you were late to the meeting," even though you're frustrated. Downplaying your true emotions and pretending that nothing is wrong can avoid confrontation. The general consensus among behavioral experts is that "white lies" can be tolerated in moderation in order to maintain social harmony.
4. Time is of the essence
Let's say you are asked what you think of a colleague's speech just before they're going to deliver it. Consider whether the speaker has time to respond to the information and control the situation, even if the speech needs work.
In this case, deception might be welcome if your colleague can do nothing to improve or change the situation. Due to the fact that it's impossible to help the other person at this time, lying in this sense may be viewed as benefiting him or her.
On the other hand, honesty is always the better option if your colleague has the capability to process the information. If you're stuck between telling the truth or lying in this type of scenario, think of the "10-second rule." The rule explains that you shouldn't point out a flaw if the person cannot change it in 10 seconds.
Related: How to Successfully Manage and Resolve Conflict on Your Team
Things that are okay to mention would include food in someone's teeth, a stray hair, a missing comma or anything along those lines. Things that are not okay to point out would be acne, the way they talk, their hair cut or anything similar.
Lying may be acceptable if offering honest feedback would not be constructive or beneficial to the individual at that moment, as they lack the ability to address or change the situation. Always consider the practicality and impact of providing feedback. If you don't want to lie, you could also avoid saying anything at all.
5. Protecting privacy and dignity
You might consider a white lie respectful and considerate when someone's privacy or dignity is at risk. For example, keeping a friend's secret will protect their privacy and prevent them from getting embarrassed or judged. Additionally, if a colleague makes a mistake, discreetly helping them rectify the situation could maintain their dignity and make the work environment more positive.
6. Providing constructive criticism
Honesty is key when sharing feedback. The problem is, it's easy to use the excuse "I'm just being honest" to justify being cruel. In other words, you don't always need brutal honesty to get your point across.
For example, it may be more effective to say something like, "You had a rough start, but everyone goes through challenges at first," before providing constructive criticism to a low-performing employee. It'll make your feedback more useful, which will ultimately help your business.
Related: How to Give Feedback Without Hurting Anyone's Feelings
7. Promoting well-being and mental health
A lie can promote a person's mental health in certain circumstances. Consider someone suffering from PTSD who struggles with flashbacks and anxiety. It might be helpful for a therapist to strategically construct a narrative that allows the patient to gradually process their trauma in a safe and controlled way.
If the individual repeatedly asks about their spouse who passed away years ago and becomes distressed each time they're reminded of the loss, a caregiver might gently reassure them by saying that their spouse is out running errands. While this statement isn't factually accurate, it can provide comfort and alleviate their distress in the moment, preserving their sense of security and minimizing unnecessary emotional pain.
8. Navigating cultural nuance
White lies can also be perceived differently based on culture and norms. Some cultures view direct honesty as rude or disrespectful, whereas others value indirect communication and polite euphemisms.
Indirect cultures prioritize social harmony and agreement. They often use indirect communication to avoid conflict, embarrassment, or hurt feelings. They may also believe that direct communication of negative information is impolite. Japan, China, Peru, Saudi Arabia, and India are examples of places with indirect cultures.
Individuals can navigate social interactions without offending or violating cultural norms by understanding these cultural nuances.
9. Prior to a special event
Truthful information can help a situation. You've got to deliver it at the right time, though. When it comes to honest information, people care about whether it will distract them.
The day before your cousin leaves for her wedding, you hear that her employer is going to lay off employees. Do you need to tell her?
There is no right or wrong answer to this question. However, in some situations, people will appreciate it more if the truth is withheld. So, you could wait to tell your cousin the bad news after she returns from her wedding.
Final words of advice
Simply put, you no longer have to feel guilty about every lie you tell. Occasionally, telling benevolent lies is the most reasonable and kind thing to do. Thinking critically about when lying might be the right thing to do. There are more situations that call for it than you might think.
